The day I became a mother...

Dear Lindsey,
You were due on April 29th the day came and went. Days past but you were happy right where you were. Mom and Dad were getting impatient. At nearly a week late we were getting mighty frustrated. I woke up Wednesday morning May 5th feeling like I had the flue. I was having a lot of braxton hicks contractions and they were close but not painful. I really was feeling awful. This continued all day at about 11 pm I thought I felt hot so I had Daddy take my temperature. I had a 103 fever! I immediately called labor and delivery and they told me just to take two Tylenol and not to worry. Well about a half-hour later the contractions came and they were long and close together. At 1am we headed for the hospital. When I got there they hooked me up and told me things were progressing, but that my urin sample indicated I was severely dehydrated. After checking me she told I was STILL only a one and was now 70 percent effaced. I thought I might die because I was in major pain and making what seemed like no progress. They monitored me while making me drink sprite and rehydrate myself and then told me they wanted to give me a pain shot because I was showing signs of being really sick. They said if it was real labor they would seem me soon. Just as I stood up I threw up everything they tried to give me. The pain shot helped a lot and about three in the morning I was sent home. Now I wonder why I was sent home at 41 weeks like this but I was naive. I slept yet I was still aware that contractions were coming. About 8am the pain was awful so we headed to the hospital again finally this time they admitted me and told me that my contractions were strong and hard and that I could have the epidural anytime. I said NOW! They broke my water and discovered severe meconnium. Which had me then very worried about you. At that point I got my epidural and felt wonderful seconds after. . Anyway as labor progressed it was clear that you were not doing well. Several times they told me they were preparing for an emergency c-section. Somehow every time they were about to whisk me away you recovered. It was VERY scary! We decided I should have a blessing. Your Daddy and your Great Uncle Layton said a prayer for you, we prayed everything would be o.k. The things the Doctors had told us were very serious complications. Even now I do not think we ever knew how bad it really was. The prayer helped a lot because right after the blessing things started to improve. Your heart rate began to return to normal and you were responding very well. They decided giving me stuff to slow things down and now they gave me stuff to get it all going again. About two hours later they told me it was time to push. Now this was hard work. On May 6th you my sweet Lindsey were born healthy with a full head of hair. You scored 8 and 9 on the Apgar and none of the major risks they had warned us about came to pass. I remember looking over at you and being amazed that you were mine. I have never ever felt that kind of love. I could not wait to hold you but the Doctors were still trying to make sure everything was out of your lungs. They brought you over to me and handed you to me. As I held you I knew that nothing in life was better than this. Nothing was better than loving you my sweet baby. Welcome welcome sweetheart. I love you!
Love,
Mommy

As I read this letter I wrote Lindsey as a young mother, just delivering my first child. I marvel at who I was at the time. I have gone on to have three more children each pregnancy and delivery harder than the next. Little did I know that day what was ahead of me. What a life changing thing becoming a mother would be. What having a really sick baby would be like? I am glad I did not know. Over time I become a stronger more capable person and mother. Delivering my second child (Jacob) via emergency c-section seemed scary and unbearable at the time. Yet I never imagined what was still ahead in my life. Finding out I was having twins. I suffered daily hoping the twins would be born at all. Delivering them at 32 weeks, knowing they were too small and not quite ready. Watching them on ventilators struggling to breath, weeks in incubators growing still receiving oxygen. 29 days in a hospital my arms empty. Yes I am glad life often prepares us for what is ahead that I did not walk this challenges alone. I am so grateful to be a mother. To have four healthy beautiful children. That these experiences are now in the past.

I have been a mother for 9 yrs. Amazing really. I am different. I am stronger. I know love like I never imagined.