Lazy Eye update–January 2011

Girls at the eye doctor. Progress stalled. It’s surprising glasses made so much improvement for three months but the treatment is that they keep doing what they are doing until progress stops then you change.  So the news was we started patching.  2 hrs a day.

A stuffed animal to soften the blow.  The girls charm most people.

First week was very tough. Lot’s of tears from all three of us.  The girls kept crashing into corners as they were walking (couldn’t see).   First few days I had to hold them and snuggle the entire two hours, watch movies play dsi’s.  I figured we would never be able to do this but as with the glasses I was strict and had lots of love and sympathy but no other options.  They had to do it.  After the first week things greatly improved.  They patch very well.  They DO complain and they NEVER want anyone to see them (outside the family) with them on but we get it done.  Hope it does its thing as if it doesn’t we increase the time they wear them.  This is a very hard process but if it fixes the issues its well worth it.

I believe in miracles...

Dear Sydney and Hailey,
I believe in miracles because I begged God to allow you to live and come to our family safely and you did. It didn't seem possible or even likely.

As I watched you be born and heard your first weak cries. I knew I was experiencing a miracle, we all knew it. I watched the nurses and doctors attend to you carefully. I worried as a ventilator was needed to help you breath.
All I wanted was you to be born alive- to have you safe, yet my arms ached as stayed at the hospital small and weak for 29 days.

We celebrated as you came home pink and healthy to our home.
You have given me a gift. I will never be the same. I will never take any life for granted. Life is fragile. I love you so very much!
Happy Birthday my sweet little girls!

Photo Story Friday...

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

30 weeks pregnant with the twins The picture above is one of only two or three pictures of me pregnant with the twins. I admit to not taking any pictures out of fear. I did not want a reminder of my pregnancy if I lost my girls. You can read more about monoamniotic twins and why this was such a risk here http://our-munchkins.blogspot.com/2008/01/monoamniotic-twins-explanation.html. When I was pregnant with my twins inpatient monitoring was not done. I went daily to the hospital while the girls were monitored for several hours. We watched for signs of trouble and prayed to see a pattern before it was too late. If we saw an issue my doctor would have admitted me for more constant testing. Leaving the hospital was always horrible for me. I always prayed to know if we were missing something. The hours in between each visit were not peaceful. I lived in constant fear that I would loose one or both girls. This was a very real threat. Every day when they put the ultrasound wand on my stomach I waited in agony till I saw they were okay. This picture was taken on a very big celebration. When I first began monitoring the girls (at about 25 weeks Viability) we knew we could delivery at any time. I received steriod shots for that very real possibility. We toured the Newborn ICU and we well versed in the risks of micro preemies. The doctors told us that 30 weeks was a very important milestone for a preemie. That 30 weekers do very well. So from that point on I just wanted to get 30 weeks out of my girls. Everyday that passed at first made 30 weeks seem impossible. But days turned into weeks and all the little issues seem to keep us hanging on. When I hit 30 weeks we were thrilled. So the picture above ( one of the only pictures I have) we went to a very expensive restaurant and celebrated the girls making it to 30 weeks. It was a short lived celebration because while I thought I would relax making to 30 week I did not. The stress of knowing they could live if delivered was overwhelming. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted them delivered safe. The last two weeks waiting for their safe delivery were intense and terrible.

Two and half years later we returned to the same restaurant and celebrated two healthy wonderful little girls.

The day I became a mother...

Dear Lindsey,
You were due on April 29th the day came and went. Days past but you were happy right where you were. Mom and Dad were getting impatient. At nearly a week late we were getting mighty frustrated. I woke up Wednesday morning May 5th feeling like I had the flue. I was having a lot of braxton hicks contractions and they were close but not painful. I really was feeling awful. This continued all day at about 11 pm I thought I felt hot so I had Daddy take my temperature. I had a 103 fever! I immediately called labor and delivery and they told me just to take two Tylenol and not to worry. Well about a half-hour later the contractions came and they were long and close together. At 1am we headed for the hospital. When I got there they hooked me up and told me things were progressing, but that my urin sample indicated I was severely dehydrated. After checking me she told I was STILL only a one and was now 70 percent effaced. I thought I might die because I was in major pain and making what seemed like no progress. They monitored me while making me drink sprite and rehydrate myself and then told me they wanted to give me a pain shot because I was showing signs of being really sick. They said if it was real labor they would seem me soon. Just as I stood up I threw up everything they tried to give me. The pain shot helped a lot and about three in the morning I was sent home. Now I wonder why I was sent home at 41 weeks like this but I was naive. I slept yet I was still aware that contractions were coming. About 8am the pain was awful so we headed to the hospital again finally this time they admitted me and told me that my contractions were strong and hard and that I could have the epidural anytime. I said NOW! They broke my water and discovered severe meconnium. Which had me then very worried about you. At that point I got my epidural and felt wonderful seconds after. . Anyway as labor progressed it was clear that you were not doing well. Several times they told me they were preparing for an emergency c-section. Somehow every time they were about to whisk me away you recovered. It was VERY scary! We decided I should have a blessing. Your Daddy and your Great Uncle Layton said a prayer for you, we prayed everything would be o.k. The things the Doctors had told us were very serious complications. Even now I do not think we ever knew how bad it really was. The prayer helped a lot because right after the blessing things started to improve. Your heart rate began to return to normal and you were responding very well. They decided giving me stuff to slow things down and now they gave me stuff to get it all going again. About two hours later they told me it was time to push. Now this was hard work. On May 6th you my sweet Lindsey were born healthy with a full head of hair. You scored 8 and 9 on the Apgar and none of the major risks they had warned us about came to pass. I remember looking over at you and being amazed that you were mine. I have never ever felt that kind of love. I could not wait to hold you but the Doctors were still trying to make sure everything was out of your lungs. They brought you over to me and handed you to me. As I held you I knew that nothing in life was better than this. Nothing was better than loving you my sweet baby. Welcome welcome sweetheart. I love you!
Love,
Mommy

As I read this letter I wrote Lindsey as a young mother, just delivering my first child. I marvel at who I was at the time. I have gone on to have three more children each pregnancy and delivery harder than the next. Little did I know that day what was ahead of me. What a life changing thing becoming a mother would be. What having a really sick baby would be like? I am glad I did not know. Over time I become a stronger more capable person and mother. Delivering my second child (Jacob) via emergency c-section seemed scary and unbearable at the time. Yet I never imagined what was still ahead in my life. Finding out I was having twins. I suffered daily hoping the twins would be born at all. Delivering them at 32 weeks, knowing they were too small and not quite ready. Watching them on ventilators struggling to breath, weeks in incubators growing still receiving oxygen. 29 days in a hospital my arms empty. Yes I am glad life often prepares us for what is ahead that I did not walk this challenges alone. I am so grateful to be a mother. To have four healthy beautiful children. That these experiences are now in the past.

I have been a mother for 9 yrs. Amazing really. I am different. I am stronger. I know love like I never imagined.