On being a mother.....

The fruits of my many labors....


Mother's day I woke up to breakfast in bed. Four excited children handing me their home made gifts. I decided resolutely to enjoy my mother's day morning and read in bed. Not too long into my morning relaxation screams were heard downstairs. I went downstairs, and as usual, I paid a price for my inattention. The once clean living room was scattered with toys. A class picture had been torn in half right through my Jacob's face. I found myself in tears.

Ten years ago, on Mother's Day, I brought my first child home from the hospital. It seemed fitting to bring her home on that day. To embark on my journey as a mother, on that day. Lindsey was so small and so much work. I felt experienced and ready as I prepared for her birth. I had been a nanny. I knew a lot about kids. I was ready. I remember carrying my bundle up into our tiny apartment. Laying my little one on her changing table, as I attempted to pull of her hospital onesie,(which was under her outfit) it would not go over her head. I panicked. How would I remove it without hurting her? I tried and tried and failed. Soon I was reduced to tears begging my Mom to stay the night. I felt overwhelmed, unprepared and I was scared. I had no idea what I was doing. Lindsey wasn't nursing well. After many failed attempts, doctors visits, and lots of money with lactation specialists it was decided that I would pump and feed her bottles. I was set on nursing and very disappointed in this failure but she wasn't gaining weight and so it wasn't optional. I had tried all the options available. Many doctors told me I couldn't pump and maintain my milk supply but I did. In fact I had enough to feed several babies. This went on for 13 full months. I pumped in airport bathrooms, cars, and it pretty much ruled my life, along with feeding and caring for a small child that is. It was hard. I was learning as I went. I was introduced to colic, nap schedules and sleepless nights. Slowly I felt more confident as a mother, slowly we got to know each other. I look back as these memories and it seems like a million years ago. I have since become a much more confident mother, a more skilled person. I am not unsure or scared, most of the time. I wonder how mothering just one child seemed so hard and so difficult and I remember I have grown and changed as a person. I am better equipped to be where I am. I have life experience. When the twins were born early and needed breastmilk to be pumped, I was an expert. I did not question the process or my ability to do it.

Mothering can be relentless, exhausting and full of drudgery. It can also be unlimited joy and blessings. Sometimes I feel like I haven't done much but when I look back ten years ago, to that young girl, I don't recognize her. Now- I am more confident. I am more talented. I am better.

Today I appreciate my children, my blessing in being a Mother. The ability experience great frustration along with great amounts of joy and laughter. Many days are hard and I do struggle. In the end, I know its all worthwhile. Growth is happening for me and for them. The time is passing. Like sands through a glass its moving forward. In ten years time I will look back and find myself in a very different place once again. I hope to have a better ability to find more joy in the now, because its fleeting. Moments pass to quickly and are never to return.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you. I learn from your examples. I am inspired by all of you and I benefit from all of your support.